An eclectic collection that made us pause for thought.
Never give more than one excuse.
The only thing that makes writing fun is the anticipation of applause.
It is slowly dawning on us that the human population is growing, and our need to burn things in order to survive is going to outweigh the ability of new things to grow.
He who has a yacht has a different wife every night.
Asked by a young couple on a country lane in Essex how far it was to the next village, a local man working in a field paused and then replied:
“If you walks for ‘alf an hour and sits down for ‘alf an hour, it’ll take longer.”
Definition: Non-executive Directors
“They are like bidets – no one knows what they’re for, but they add a touch of class.”
What matters is not how well you are playing when you are playing well, but how well you are playing when you are playing badly.
Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.
Bear in mind the gambler’s advice: If you don’t know who is the patsy in the room, it’s you.
We fought for freedom and all we got was democracy.
Definition of Humour:
A weapon of mass distraction.
In the old days we was nice to the nice people and we was nasty to the nasty people. Nowadays we have to be nice to everyone.
“Human Relations are difficult -and some of our relations are not even human.”
Definition of a stockbroker: ” Someone who invests your money until it is all gone.”
Blackpool is what America would be like if it were poor.
At my age I do what Mark Twain did: I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.
I have a slight feeling that politicians are all bastards in the end. To be successful in politics you have to be a compromiser and you have to lie.
It’s just 99% of lawyers who give the rest a bad name.
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
In terms of progress, history has confirmed that the future can be a lot worse than the present.
She is the most balanced person I know – she has a chip on both shoulders.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Take a bottle of Napoleon Brandy, pour into a silver salver, swill and throw away.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Definition of a helicopter:
“Magimicks belong Yesus”
Asked why banks traditionally have large and impressive head offices, a partner in a top acocunting firm explained:
“They need to disguise the fact that banking is no more than an accounting exercise!”
Why did God create economists?
In order to make weather forecasters look good.
Debt is like a crazy aunt we keep down in the basement. All the neighbours know she’s there, but nobody wants to talk about her.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.
There is no exception to the rule that every organic being naturally increases at so high a rate, that if not destroyed, the earth would soon be covered by the progeny of a single pair. Even slow-breeeding man has doubled in 25 years, and at this rate, in a few thousand years, there would literally not be standing room for his progeny.
My month without alcohol went so well that I finished early.
The art of writing is the art of applying the seat of one’s trousers to the seat of one’s chair.
The way to make a small fortune in publishing is to start with a large one.
If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.
War is God’s way of teaching the Americans geography.
Mr Walsh [BA’s Chief Executive] is not available for interview this morning…
Opportunity only gives you knockers once.
In uncertain times like this, all you can do is look for the cloud at the end of the tunnel.
We want to give flyers an experience they will remember.
Better perfect than not at all!
A Chinese judge told the defendant that if he wanted a fair trial he would have to pay the judge 10,000 Yuan. When the defendant asked why, the Judge replied:
“Because that is what the claimant has paid me!”
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
No longer young, knowing life is a brief flash of light, the poet finds in the gaze and the lips of the beloved everything he needs to keep going.
If you want to grow your business, remember that 1 plus 1 is 11, not 2.
Memorial services are the cocktail parties of the geriatric set.
I’m in sales, not management!
Success has many parents but failure is an orphan.
We will become independent of nature.
As her 4×4 was brought to her at a valet car park, the driver was overheard to remark:
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about – if it’s so bad for the environment, why does it have climate control?”