An eclectic collection that made us pause for thought.
“Available” means “Not Unavailable”.’
Definition in a PFI contract prepared by a City law firm.
I used to think I would like to be rich, but now that I’ve met some rich people I’m not so sure about that.
I always respect other people’s opinions, even when I think they are talking bollocks.
Definition of a Commission: “A group of men that keep minutes and waste hours”
Definition of a lawyer: “A lawyer is like a rhinoceros – shortsighted, thick-skinned, and ever ready to charge”.
If a law is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then I say, break the law.
Overheard at a funeral: “Are you a friend of the corpse?”
A retreat from the rule of law, human rights and civil liberties is short-sighted and unthinkable. Yet such a retreat is precisely what is taking place. A quiet and relentless war is being waged on our rights.
A weed is a flower in the wrong place.
The evil heart of humankind is the cause, religion is the excuse.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
The difference between a good garden and a bad one is a fortnight.
“How do you make God laugh?”
“Tell him your plans for the future.”
The greater the number of species that become extinct, the closer we become to extinction.
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
Jean Paul Sartre to waitress in cafe: “Coffee with no cream, please.”
Waitress: “We have no cream today, monsieur”.
Sartre: “How about coffee with no milk?”
Every garden, however small, should have at least 20 acres of rough woodland.
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
Married woman, overheard at a party: “When one of us dies, I’m going to live in the south of France.”
Today is better than tomorrow.
Description of Marketing: “Cast your bread upon the waters and wait for it to come back as a ham sandwich”.
A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking real money.
He who waits for a roast duck to fly into his mouth will be waiting a long time.
How very stupid of me not to have thought of that myself.
Tourism is sin, walking is virtue.
Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
People have one thing in common: they are all different.
Architecture is frozen music.
Definition of the Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Those who watch television lose the world, those who read gain it.
Sustainable Development – that’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?
Be careful how you treat those on the way up as you might meet them on the way down.
He believes his future as a politician is behind him.
Never give more than one excuse.
The only thing that makes writing fun is the anticipation of applause.
It is slowly dawning on us that the human population is growing, and our need to burn things in order to survive is going to outweigh the ability of new things to grow.
He who has a yacht has a different wife every night.
Asked by a young couple on a country lane in Essex how far it was to the next village, a local man working in a field paused and then replied:
“If you walks for ‘alf an hour and sits down for ‘alf an hour, it’ll take longer.”
Definition: Non-executive Directors
“They are like bidets – no one knows what they’re for, but they add a touch of class.”
What matters is not how well you are playing when you are playing well, but how well you are playing when you are playing badly.
Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.
Bear in mind the gambler’s advice: If you don’t know who is the patsy in the room, it’s you.
We fought for freedom and all we got was democracy.
Definition of Humour:
A weapon of mass distraction.
In the old days we was nice to the nice people and we was nasty to the nasty people. Nowadays we have to be nice to everyone.
“Human Relations are difficult -and some of our relations are not even human.”
Definition of a stockbroker: ” Someone who invests your money until it is all gone.”
Blackpool is what America would be like if it were poor.
At my age I do what Mark Twain did: I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.